A nice song by Snow Patrol and their album 'Eyes Open' really captures my feelings at the moment.
For those of you who know me, trust for me is a big issue. I often feel lke I need to know the ns and outs of a person before I can really and truely trust someone. However, I am aware of how unfair this can be; why should I expect someone to be totally honest with me when I cannot be with them?
"It's beginning to get to me, that I know more of the stars and seas, that I do of what's in your head..."
I know that as a friendship works, it is my duty to be open with someone as much as they are with me, in order for the friendship to grow. But is it wrong that this makes me feel uncomforatble?
I seem to be a jealous friend; I want all of you or none of you. I don't like being shared or sacked off, however selfish that may sound. But I also know that it is me with the issue, not anyone else.
"I want something, that's purer than the water, like we were..."
In the past, I've had friends let me down, tell me things that they claimed they meant and didn't act out and friends who have been 2-faced. I know everyone is human, but I cannot tolerate being the one who gives all of my time to others and receives nothing back other than an "OH!" when my problems are shared.
I want to be the one who is taken care of, someone who is someone elses priority. Also, I've had people make up rumours about me etc, causing me real upset and harm, saying horrible things to me. Why would I want to befriend people who think that of me, lowering myelf to their level? After seaking to people older and wiser than me, they seem to say that sometimes our problems cannot be answered by someone of a similar age because they can be too deep. But the whole part of sharing is to grow together and encourage- I want to do that, but I want someone to take care of me like I do to others. Also, we are called to love everyone, despite of their actions. Love the person, hate the sin. And by God's grace we should also act. But is this too much to ask?
"If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?"
This is all I'm asking. I can do this with God and most of the time I can answer the complicated questions I have myself but still... the heart desires, and those desires are from God. They aren't sinful, they are what has built in us in humans; a desire to want others, a companion.
"And miles from where you are, I lay down on the cold ground and I, I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms."
This is my longing.
"With my hands open, and my eyes open, I just keep hoping that your heart opens."
This is my logic.
"Tell me that you'll open your eyes!"
This is my plan. To move forward, stop feeling so sensitive and move on from past hurt and be me; the friend who God has called me to be and wait patiently for the friend I deserve.
Sorry for the rant.
I treat this blog as a diary entry!
